Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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