I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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