Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I haven't been this sober since birth.

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(949): View more from California

Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.

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(352): View more from Florida

my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.

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(516): View more from New York

i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.

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(951): View more from California

my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.

Fav 16 4952 2264
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(301): View more from Maryland

You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.

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(618): View more from Illinois

So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth

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