I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
