I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
