fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
