RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
