This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
