Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
