I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
