literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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