so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
where are my eyebrows?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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