she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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