tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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