Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
