I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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