Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize