Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
