mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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