Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
