NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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