You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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