Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
