I feel great
I just peed on a car
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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