Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
