You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
