i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i need an iv and a liver transplant
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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