I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
