I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
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