when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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