In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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