Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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