Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
