i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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