I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
