I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I got her a Nickelback box set.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
