i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
