If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
