Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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