Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
