I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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