I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
