hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
