Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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