o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
