My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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