were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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