I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
im six kinds of drunk right now
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
