if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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