Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
