I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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