Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
