i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize