Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize