my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
