My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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