Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
