I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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