After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
