I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize